Thanks mainly to the propaganda of ugly, flat-chested, Barbie doll-hating feminists, a single question is being asked by more and more people upon seeing a well-endowed woman:

Are they real?

The controversy arises not because the woman’s breasts are discolored, lopsided, furry, hexagonal, or metallic, but because they are simply large (and/or well-rounded). One question: since when are plastic surgeons installing holograms? Ok, so silicone isn’t natural, but it exists for Christ’s sake. Fake breasts are real in the sense that they aren’t illusions or made out of tofu. They’re there, aren’t they?

But let’s ignore this illogic. Generally, what people mean is: are the breasts natural? In other words: did they grow on their own, or was there some kind of intervention by man? The answer: who cares? Since when is a cave better than a house? Or a donkey better than a Ferrari? Or wild berries better than dinner at a French restaurant? What makes something less valuable just because man created it? God dammit, do the breasts look like breasts?

No?

Ok, in that case, we have a problem. If you happen to be looking at a pair of breasts and notice something odd (like, for example, the breasts are looking back at you), you may have inadvertently stumbled upon the bad boob job.

The question is, how can you be sure? Were the breasts accidental freaks of nature – or was it worse? Were they the products of some sick practical joke? Or mad scientist? Or visiting surgeon from the University of Baghdad? Before you attempt to go near the breasts, you must be certain that the breasts are reliable. For your own safety, we now present: The ten benchmarks of real breasts you can trust:

1. They look like breasts.

The breasts should serve to make the woman look attractive as a woman. Not as an elephant or a space alien. Therefore, if you’re tempted to feed the breasts peanuts or to report them to the FBI, you may be dealing with a bad boob job.

1. They feel like breasts.

It’s hard enough to get a woman’s bra off in a hurry. The last thing you want to find are two objects resembling rotten grapefruits or broken light bulbs. Also keep your ears open for women who discuss their breasts using words like “prickly”, “jagged edges”, or “squishy”.

1. They’re attached to a woman.

Women have breasts, so it makes sense that women should be the ones who augment their breasts. Not men, not five-year-olds, not Fifi your pet bunny rabbit. A corollary of this point is that the breasts should be attached to the woman at all times. Beware of breasts seen jettisoned into outer space. What you thought was a woman is most likely a reptilian cyborg porn star.

1. They come in pairs.

Ever sit in a seedy bar late at night, smoke blurring your vision as you finish your last sip of bourbon, when suddenly a lone breast asks you to dance? If it hasn’t happened yet, one word of advice: dance. While your instinct might be to run, do whatever the breast says. Peaceful breasts always stick together.

1. They don’t rattle when shaken.

When you hear strange noises coming from a car’s engine, isn’t that a good sign not to have sex with the automobile? Of course. Similarly, strange noises coming from breasts are also a sign of danger. If the rattling comes at regular intervals, sounding more like a ticking sound, drop the breasts and immediately run for cover.

They don’t taste like metal.

6.      Getting friendly with an Eskimo woman shouldn’t entail getting your tongue frozen to her cleavage. Reliable breasts, both natural and artificial, have built-in mechanisms for dealing with extreme temperatures. Aluminum siding is not one of them.

1. When you squeeze them, they return to their original shape.

The ability to bounce back under extreme pressure is just as admirable in a woman’s breasts as it is in her character. Breasts with depressions, dents, or dimples can only mean one thing: they’re filled with sand or fiberglass and they’ve had at least one previous owner.

1. They rarely, if ever, excrete bright green fluids.

A bubbling, bright-green ooze is no more of a turn-on in the bedroom than it is in a nuclear power plant. Breasts which have had their safety-seals broken are not to be fooled with. Heck, if the breasts even have a safety seal I’d watch my step.

1. When their owner lies down, the breasts don’t remain standing.

It’s perfectly fine if part of the breasts are a bit stiff. However, if the breasts just refuse to make themselves comfortable, even in the face of a direct order, the breasts are simply not to be trusted.

1. The words “Made in China” are not stamped below the left nipple.

It’s astounding how many people inadvertently acquire sexual satisfaction at the expense of tens of thousands of Chinese political prisoners. It’s not only unethical to fondle a breast made in China, it’s downright risky. To be truly certain that a breast is of the highest quality, look for the “Made in the USA” label.

Once you’ve verified that a set of breasts have met these ten benchmarks, you are free to interact with them. This goes for all breasts, natural or not. Jesus Christ, if you can’t tell the difference, what do you care? Even if they are man-made, at least they’re being discreet about it.

So, what then is the proper response to a woman with unusually large, round, or perky breasts? Well, it ain’t “are they natural?” Instead, try a comment that shows her the respect she deserves. Like “thank you.”

June 16

So, Gino the day manager put signs up in the dressing room this week.

“I need lots of girls to work on Friday.  I am hosting a VIP Party starting at 6 pm.  Please be here and ready to work this lucrative party”

So, I carpool in with Jaynie the housemom.  I figure, even if this “VIP Party” is stupid like the last one….at least I can raid the buffet table.

So, I was right.  The VIP guests turned out to be the beverage distributers, the food service guys, the armor car guys who pick up the cash, and (this is the best) Gino’s friends!

Oh it gets better.

The buffet was set up in the pit by the back bar.  I didn’t eat much all day so I was STARVING around 6.  The guys didn’t show up til 6:45 no food til 7:30.  So I wait til the “VIP Guests” are done serving themselves…and they were all very courteous “Have some dinner, you need to eat!” 

I sit down at the bar to eat and get called to stage.  Great.  So I cover my food with my napkin (sign language to the bartender to NOT take my food away)  Of course, he dumps it.

So, I go and get another plate of food and sit back down.  Brian the bartender looks at me and says “I’m sorry, Avalon, but you’re not supposed to be eating from the buffet it’s for the VIP guests”

I ‘m holding my chicken wing midair, about to take a bite, as he reaches for my plate to clear it. 

Dude!  Do not take my food!  I smack his arm away.  “So you’re going to put it BACK on the buffet line?”  I ask him. 

“No, but I’ll get in trouble if Louie sees you eating it.”  Dude….do NOT throw away good food!

So I take my food over to a table in the back corner.  Louie, the general manager,  comes over and sweetly says “You’re eating all my profits Avalon”  Now….I like Louie, he’s a nice man, and very reasonable.

“Not really.  By my count…and I have records to prove this….I spent over 8 thousand dollars last year in this club on house fees and merchandise.  Gino’s friends and the liquor distributors haven’t spent a dime yet.  I think 8 grand covers the wholesale price of 3 chicken wings, a stuffed shell, and a few celery sticks…..don’t you??”

He nodded his head.  “I should know better than try to talk numbers with you.”

uh huh.

June 10

Boston people are so cool.

The Red Sox were playing the Dbacks this weekend.  I was totally expecting the average “Phoenix in June” crowd this weekend.  But WOW!  Am I glad I was wrong!

Apparently it’s next to impossible to to get tickets to a Red Sox game at Fenway Park.  So what do all those Boston fans with cash burning in their bank accounts do??  Fly to Phoenix, snap up some of the posh resort’s off-season rates, and hit the strip club after the game!

Christie’s was MAD crazy!!!!  I love when outta town guys come into the club.  Since Phoenix lapdance prices (a whopping $10) lag the current national average ($20) these tourists are in heaven.  Especially when I give them the opportunity to go to VIP for “only $20″ a song.  How cheap!  In their hometown VIP is 3 for $100!

So, what did Avalon do?  One by one I just plucked them off the floor and walked them upstairs.  The glow-in-the-blacklight fuschia dress helped to attract the eye to the tall busty blonde (OK, maybe it was the boobs, not the dress) who was “only” doing dances upstairs.  I had them lining up at the bottom of the staircase waiting for me to get done, so they could be next!  Cosmo had to tell them to sit down!

Being the complete dork that I am, this makes me think back to Macroeconomics 101.  The strip club is a perfect example of price theory.  When the supply of hot dancers is low (key word here is HOT) and the demand of wealthy customers is high…Avalon’s lapdance price increases. 

Now, I would NEVER rip anyone off.  Or “acci-purposely” charge for 5 dances when I only did 4.  Or make false promises about what happens in VIP.  That is just bad karma. 

What I WILL do is only dance upstairs in VIP for $20 a song.  If someone only wants to pay $10, I tell them to come back on a Tuesday night in July.  This one guy chuckled and said “You’re a quite a businesswoman.”

“I just look dumb” I winked and led him upstairs.

April 26

Confidence Makes the Man

What makes a man sexy?  Is it his eyes, his hair, his clothes?  Maybe for the young and impressionable.  Or is it his nice car, nice house,  nice bank account? Nope.  Confidence is the single most sexy trait in a man.

It amazes me how many handsome, educated, charming men lack confidence with women.  I meet them everyday.  I listen to them pour their souls out to me over a drink or two (or ten) at work.  I just don’t get it. 

A few people specifically comes to mind. First is Dale*,  Dale* is a very HOT firefighter.  The kind of dreamy guy that women have steamy midafternoon fantasies about: blonde, tan, muscular, 6 pack abs.  On the outside, he looks like the kind of guy that could have any girl he wanted.  But Dale lacks the confidence to approach women.  “I’m not a party guy,” he tells me “I work with all men, most of whom are married.  It’s been a disaster when they set me up.  I don’t know how to approach an attractive woman and talk to her without her thinking I’m a wack-o” 

Where to go to meet quality women?  Hmmmm how about ANYWHERE!  The grocery store, Starbucks, the gym, the library, the gas station.  We are everywhere.  You just have to step outside your comfort zone and talk to us!

Honestly, it’s flattering.  As women, we have been taught to be demure, to let men approach us.  As teenagers and young adults, alcohol consumption is the only way we get over our shyness to approach men.  As we get into our late 20s and 30s we don’t want to be wasted in order to meet the opposite sex either! 

So guys…..it’s up to YOU!  Bite the bullet.  Be a man.  The worst she can say is “No” (provided of course you do it tactfully without any characteristics of stalking)  You will know in an instant if she’s into you, or if she thinks you’re a wack-o.  If it’s the latter, who really cares.  What is the chance you will run into this person again?

Confidence….fake it ’til ya make it.

*All Names have been changed to protect the innocent