After a long day of cleaning the house for Mom’ impending arrival, I thought I would refresh this oldie but goodie from the archives: June 27, 2007 to be exact.
Thanks mainly to the propaganda of ugly, flat-chested, Barbie doll-hating feminists, a single question is being asked by more and more people upon seeing a well-endowed woman:
Are they real?
The controversy arises not because the woman’s breasts are discolored, lopsided, furry, hexagonal, or metallic, but because they are simply large (and/or well-rounded). One question: since when are plastic surgeons installing holograms? Ok, so silicone isn’t natural, but it exists for Christ’s sake. Fake breasts are real in the sense that they aren’t illusions or made out of tofu. They’re there, aren’t they?
But let’s ignore this illogic. Generally, what people mean is: are the breasts natural? In other words: did they grow on their own, or was there some kind of intervention by man? The answer: who cares? Since when is a cave better than a house? Or a donkey better than a Ferrari? Or wild berries better than dinner at a French restaurant? What makes something less valuable just because man created it? God dammit, do the breasts look like breasts?
No?
Ok, in that case, we have a problem. If you happen to be looking at a pair of breasts and notice something odd (like, for example, the breasts are looking back at you), you may have inadvertently stumbled upon the bad boob job.
The question is, how can you be sure? Were the breasts accidental freaks of nature – or was it worse? Were they the products of some sick practical joke? Or mad scientist? Or visiting surgeon from the University of Baghdad? Before you attempt to go near the breasts, you must be certain that the breasts are reliable. For your own safety, we now present: The ten benchmarks of real breasts you can trust:
- They look like breasts.
The breasts should serve to make the woman look attractive as a woman. Not as an elephant or a space alien. Therefore, if you’re tempted to feed the breasts peanuts or to report them to the FBI, you may be dealing with a bad boob job.
- They feel like breasts.
It’s hard enough to get a woman’s bra off in a hurry. The last thing you want to find are two objects resembling rotten grapefruits or broken light bulbs. Also keep your ears open for women who discuss their breasts using words like “prickly”, “jagged edges”, or “squishy”.
- They’re attached to a woman.
Women have breasts, so it makes sense that women should be the ones who augment their breasts. Not men, not five-year-olds, not Fifi your pet bunny rabbit. A corollary of this point is that the breasts should be attached to the woman at all times. Beware of breasts seen jettisoned into outer space. What you thought was a woman is most likely a reptilian cyborg porn star.
- They come in pairs.
Ever sit in a seedy bar late at night, smoke blurring your vision as you finish your last sip of bourbon, when suddenly a lone breast asks you to dance? If it hasn’t happened yet, one word of advice: dance. While your instinct might be to run, do whatever the breast says. Peaceful breasts always stick together.
- They don’t rattle when shaken.
When you hear strange noises coming from a car’s engine, isn’t that a good sign not to have sex with the automobile? Of course. Similarly, strange noises coming from breasts are also a sign of danger. If the rattling comes at regular intervals, sounding more like a ticking sound, drop the breasts and immediately run for cover.
They don’t taste like metal.
6. Getting friendly with an Eskimo woman shouldn’t entail getting your tongue frozen to her cleavage. Reliable breasts, both natural and artificial, have built-in mechanisms for dealing with extreme temperatures. Aluminum siding is not one of them.
- When you squeeze them, they return to their original shape.
The ability to bounce back under extreme pressure is just as admirable in a woman’s breasts as it is in her character. Breasts with depressions, dents, or dimples can only mean one thing: they’re filled with sand or fiberglass and they’ve had at least one previous owner.
- They rarely, if ever, excrete bright green fluids.
A bubbling, bright-green ooze is no more of a turn-on in the bedroom than it is in a nuclear power plant. Breasts which have had their safety-seals broken are not to be fooled with. Heck, if the breasts even have a safety seal I’d watch my step.
- When their owner lies down, the breasts don’t remain standing.
It’s perfectly fine if part of the breasts are a bit stiff. However, if the breasts just refuse to make themselves comfortable, even in the face of a direct order, the breasts are simply not to be trusted.
- The words “Made in China” are not stamped below the left nipple.
It’s astounding how many people inadvertently acquire sexual satisfaction at the expense of tens of thousands of Chinese political prisoners. It’s not only unethical to fondle a breast made in China, it’s downright risky. To be truly certain that a breast is of the highest quality, look for the “Made in the USA” label.
Once you’ve verified that a set of breasts have met these ten benchmarks, you are free to interact with them. This goes for all breasts, natural or not. Jesus Christ, if you can’t tell the difference, what do you care? Even if they are man-made, at least they’re being discreet about it.
So, what then is the proper response to a woman with unusually large, round, or perky breasts? Well, it ain’t “are they natural?” Instead, try a comment that shows her the respect she deserves. Like “thank you.”
10:23 PM – 5 Comments – 7 Kudos – Add Comment
Tags: arizona, babes cabaret, business, champagne room, christie's cabaret, customer, customers, dancerwealth, exotic dancer, gentlemen's club, how much money does a stripper make, large fake breasts, marketing, money, motivation, phoenix, sales, scottsdale, strip club, stripandgrowrich, stripper, stripper lifestyle, stripping, successful stripper, superstripper, vip, vip customer