8pm I sign my name on the DJ list. Billy knows I prefer to get my two song stage set out of the way, so he bumps me ahead of the outta towners. Panama blasts through the speakers and the night is about to begin…..if there were any customers. The pre-Suns game crowd already left, and the after-dinner crowd was still at dinner.
8:07pm I spy Seinfeld Trivia guy sitting in his usual spot. Gosh, it’s been a few months! We go way back to summer of 05. I love the really nice, genuine people I meet at Christie’s. It’s his birthday, so that means every pretty, fit, and well spoken lady in the house gets to dance for Seinfeld Trivia Guy. “Is that bouncer new?” he asks me, referring to I’ve-Been-a-StripClub-Bouncer-for-Two-Days. “He comes up to me and says…I’m going to bring you a girl. I told him don’t bother, they’ll come find me.” I then sent Hayden, Kyla, and Priscilla over so he didn’t have to be subject to Flourescent Pink Hair/Flourescent Orange Bikini or Black Girl in cheap Blonde Wig.
8:30pm I’ve-Been-a-StripClub-Bouncer-for-Two-Days says, “Hey, I have a dance for you” and leads me over to a table. The two guys had just walked in the door, ordered their beer and had the typical deer-in-the-headlights look on their face that most guys who don’t frequent strip clubs have when they first walk in. I introduced myself, told them to make themselves comfortable and I’ll come back once they’ve had time to settle in.
9pm I approached the big table of 8 guys where no one had gotten a dance yet and they had turned everyone else away. There is nothing more intimidating than that! The first guy I approached invited me to sit with him. Phew! I had a really nice conversation with Larry the Lawyer. His arms were crossed (bodylanguage that says leave me alone) but we clicked instantly and he relaxed. Larry doesn’t go to clubs very often, and was astounded that someone with a Master’s Degree would be working at a StripClub. I love breaking stereotypes. Why wouldn’t someone with a Master’s Degree opt for a low overhead/100% cash flow business where you can make a difference in lonely men’s lives over a very low paying 2%COLA dead-end job like a government paid babysitter? That will be another blog topic another day…how I honestly feel more respected by my clients than I ever did by the parents of the students I taught.
10:30pm I was walking past the elevator when a tall handsome Latino man grabbed me by the hand and said, “Excuse me…would you like to go upstairs?” To which, I promptly replied, “Why of course I would.” It was actually a party of eight. Griego works at a golf course here in town and was the designated driver for the WhiteBoyz from Wisconsin. The WhiteBoyz come to town a few times a year and always treat Griego to the girl of his choice (me!) for an hour upstairs. So the eight of us sipped champange and break danced. Bradley is really good at The Snake. Just make sure she takes her 7 inch stilettos off first.
11:45 pm Back on the floor. I’ve-Been-a-StripClub-Bouncer-for-Two-Days says “Hey…I have a dance for you.” I give him the benefit of the doubt, he’s trying really hard and is really nice. He takes me and another house dancer to these two guys ….who just walked in…didn’t have their drink yet…and were complete deer-in-the-headlights. I welcomed them to Christie’s and didn’t sit down.
11:49 pm I thought that was Choo-Choo Greg under the spiral staircase! Greg is an engineer for Union Pacific. Suns lost, he figured he’d stop in to see if I was working before the long drive home to Casa Grande. Choo-Choo Greg has great stories. Apparently as he was driving (his train) through the Indian Reservation last week, one of the drunk tribe members thought she could stop a locomotive running @ 60mph. Well…you can’t stop a locomotive…knocked her 30 feet to the side, broke every bone in her body….but didn’t spill a drop of beer. Choo-Choo Greg has a thing for tall blondes with big boobs.
1:15am Choo-Choo Greg tips me nicely for the conversation and neck massage. One of the floor waitresses I’ve never seen before tells me that one her tables requested me (note to self….I need to tip her tonight for that lead…she had already left by the time I had cashed in my funny money) Chet the Investment Banker is in town from Dallas for the Superbowl. He doesn’t feel comfortable getting dances out in the open, so we went upstairs and found a more private table. As usual, I ended up talking more than actually dancing, after half an hour Chet says…”So, are you actually going to dance?”
To which I respond “I am silly! When my top is off and I’m sitting on your lap rubbing your shoulders and/or moving sensually across a broad general area six inches from your crotch, that is the definition of a lapdance.” I then started telling him about the Treasures PowerPoint Presentation.
He laughed. “Ironically, I never get…uh… aroused at strip clubs….and you’re not…”
I cut him off “Duh, thats the whole point….isn’t sensual much more of a turn on than repeated jerky up and down exagerated movements done soley for comic relief?” I guess so, he bought a few more, and was pitching a tent the entire time. I got him VIP passes to come back in another night this week since he’s staying at a hotel nearby. He tipped me well.
2am Last Call for Alcohol. Table Dances only. Stage rotation ends, 15 minutes to get the last dances of the night. I love the last 15 minutes of the night. Guys who didn’t get a dance all night long are suddenly forced to $hit or get off the pot. Some nights you find the generous guy who needs to spend the rest of his funny money before it expires. Other nights you find Cheap Trolls who epitomize the stereotype of the frugal strip club customer. It was the latter. How can you identify the Cheap Troll? This is the typical conversation you might have with Cheap Troll
CT: How much is a dance?
Me: Ten dollars
CT: Can I touch your boobs?
Me: No.
CT: Well, give me one anyway…and make it good since I can’t touch you.
Me: Ok. (Procede with standard $10 dance only if the cash to pay for the dance is visible. Ask for upfront payment if you have that “gut” feeling)
CT: This sucks, aren’t you gonna grind on me?
Me: Nope
CT: Flip upside down and put your pu$$y in my face.
Me: Honey, the LAST thing you want is my 150 lb a$$ flying through the air aimed for your jugular. Now stop telling me how to do my job or else you will have a six inch steel stiletto pierce your nutsack….ka-pish??
2:15am I found Average Joe in town on business leaving tomorrow. He had twenty dollars left in his wallet, there was one song left in the night. You always know it is the last song of the night because Billy says very clearly “Last song, Last chance for a table dance!” As I danced for Average Joe, I saw Chet buried underneath an upside-down AssClapper. We locked eyes through her spread leg jiggly cellulite that was clapping open/closed/open/closed/open. Then she flipped around and put his face between her saggy DDD boobs and twisted back/forth/back/forth knocking his head from right/left/right/left. I turned Average Joe’s seat 90 degrees so Chet and the AssClapper were out of his line of sight and focused may attention back on Average Joe. (OK, I admit it, I had to look back at Chet, and I was right…he was still watching me too…and didn’t appear to be pitching a tent)
Song ends, lights come on. Average Joe handed me a twenty and told me to keep the change because “If you leave a strip club with money in your wallet….it wasn’t a very good strip club.” I like that motto. I watched Chet hand AssClapper $10 for the song she clapped for him.
So the influx of outta town girls hasn’t really affected my ability to find clients. As I looked around the VIP room, it was overwhelmingly CCP house girls up there. Home Field Advantage: let AssClapper and her home girls deal with the Cheap Trolls on the floor. The influx of girls has affected the overall tone on the main floor of CCP. I myself am struggling to create a fun and upbeat experience for the well heeled businessmen who flew in on their corporate jets when entertainers like Flourescent Pink Hair/Flourescent Orange Bikini and AssClapper have a different definition of lapdance ….but no one ever said work was easy. Like any market, the buyers and sellers eventually meet up and settle on a price.
Someone told me a long time ago, “Every ass has a seat.” So every night that I go into work, I know right off the bat that there is going to be a few Cheap Trolls in the crowd. That is not my seat. I also know that 9 times out of 10 I run into great people like Seinfeld Trivia Guy, Larry, Griego, Choo-Choo Greg, and Chet. That is my seat.
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